Developmentally, almost every child goes through stages in which they try lying – this is because it is the “easy” way to avoid an unpleasant consequence. Another form of lying is the imagination and embellishment of story-telling. Parents sometimes set their kids up for lying by the way they approach it or respond to it. In this call, Dr. Paul and Vicki are joined again by Dr. Jason Adams. Help us out here – post your ideas about what works and what doesn’t as we deal with the issue of honesty and lying.
Thanks for the suggestions on alternative verbiage- sometimes it’s easy to say what comes naturally and it helps me to have an arsenal of better choices. I like the idea that the way we say things and the words we use are powerful in helping us accomplish our child-raising objectives. (Like avoiding using the word “lying” or “liar” and being direct about information: “I noticed you left your towel on the floor” as opposed to “Did you leave your towel on the floor?” ) Good ideas.
Here’s a question I have: What are some things you can say when your child has concerns about other people lying either to them or to others- i.e. friends, t.v., etc…? We don’t want to call other people “liars”, but we also want to help our children avoid the belief that lying is just something that people do. How can I help my children see things as they really are? (Avoid lying, yet be compassionate to others who haven’t told the truth by giving them the benefit of the doubt, yet avoid friendships where lying is encouraged, etc… )
I appreciated this podcast. It hit home because I have a young family member who frequently steals from her sister and then lies about it. Now this person is 14 and should be way past that k-2 stage, so there must be something bigger going on. I thought it was interesting what you said about perhaps this person feels that she can’t get what she needs by being honest and I wonder if she feels that way or is needing some special attention or what. But it is hard because we all love her so much and want her to be happy.
Jamee – I really think that our best teaching tool is our example. You will model for your children in how you deal with them ways that they can deal with their friends and associates. I like approaches in which we retain ownership of our own stuff. You might be watching a TV program for example, and say something like, “Hmmm… I don’t think I believe that” as opposed to “He’s lying!” Thanks for your comment
Jessica – We can certainly develop habits of either being honest or lying. Sometimes people do it so routinely that they go to that as default. As you indicated, there could be some particular need that the person is trying to fill, or something specific that is being avoided. Unfortunately, many people (adults and children alike) can feel sometimes that people will not like them if they REALLY knew the truth about them. Unconditional love and again, example, can do much to address this problem. Thanks for your comment.